july 8

For the first time in a week I woke up less than 5 times a night.
The temperature has gone down outside to a pleasant level.
Inside it's still too hot. But this night with the windows wide open one could sleep, finally!

I skipped bagpipe lesson. I already decided that yesterday and it was a good decision. I must have slept like a straight shelf without movement, as I was hurting all over.

Ofcourse it was a strange day. Being the second day of a wedding anniversary of a marriage that is non-excistent.
Luckily Jim had completely forgotten.
But it still feels strange to live in the same house and not to want anything anymore.

Got a present in the mail: a spoon of Yves Rocher.
I ordered something for me and a friend about a year ago and now I got a mail stating that they missed me.
Do I believe that?
Noop!

I rearranged the waterfunpages, checking my mail ever so often if more people had returned something... but only 4 did so.
Thanks a bunch!!!
And there were some people interested in my site. The last days I've had more than 100 visitors and 3 comments.
You are very appreciated! Thanks!

Had a short talk with a friend who lives nearby when I was waiting for Yinti in the playground between the houses.
She was kind of surprised by what I was wearing.
It was just a skirt in hippy-design with a red shirt on it.
But I feel happy in it, and I can wear a long skirt elegant.
This former balletdancer hasn't lost her tricks. LOL!

I use to wear a lot of hippy clothing, but the last years more simple trousers and t-shirt.
But the sales this year are great, and I just told Djenne what I wanted and she went with Jim to get groceries and got him to buy the skirt last week. LOL!
Girls come in handy at times.

At dinnertime Jim must have suddenly remembered what day it was, as he suddenly had a very bad mood.
We all looked surprised at each other.

Well, I'm not accepting that.
Luckily he got quiet after some time.

Redid the waterballoonpages with the new ones.
Wish all those who have put my girl up would have send one back. It would be great to win...
But don't all want that?

july 7

26 years ago we married.
Now the marriage is non-excistent.
The relationship just vanished.
We filed for divorce some time ago, but didn't finish it, because the government had such bad plans that I wouldn't have been able financially, to give the children what they need.
So he still loves here and is a father to the children. As far as he's able to.

Stef has large feet, and he knows a shop in Amsterdam that sells shoes his size.
So Jim went with him and the girls went too.

I'm at home. Doing the laundry and some cleaning stuff you only can do when there are no 6 children around.

So I'm babysitting Thami and Nyo, dealing with their problems relating to each other.

When we married I imagined another future...

I slept a bit last night, but I'm still very tired.
The damp weather doesn't help.

Last year the neighbouring woman asked the girls to go with her to the dolphin parc. She lives alone and wanted to go, but not alone.
This year I let the girls ask her.
Most probably they'll go next week wednesday.

The evening ended with a strange feeling.
Got a letter from a friend, who is very hurt by some people on internet.
In a way how she was talking about matters made me loose my pleasure in some activities.
Like in real life, there are people on internet who are not pure of heart.
But to turn away from internet doesn't seem to honor those who are good and kind and caring.
She made me feel falling short of being a friend.
On the other hand, my life is so very intense, surrounded by problems of others almost every day, with continuing worries about the future of the children...
I do what I can do, and when I'm empty I'm silent.
I can always blog about the children, but I can't always being a shoulder to others.
I want to, but I can't.

I don't have the luxury of being able to reach out in every day life.
A visit of a friend here is very disturbing to my autistic son, and sometimes it takes days to get him feel OK again.
Going away is most of the time equally disturbing.
I'm lucky that finally I can go for bagpipe lesson on a saturday early morning. (Waking up at 7).

I have to fight against feeling empty and exhausted. A couple of hours doesn't balance the feelings of being drained.
Not after 20 years caring for a couple of children with special needs without a vacation.

In a way it feels like my life is a long path of loosing everything.
I don't pity myself.. I just see some facts.

I wish I could do more for her, but I can't.
I can't change the way she feels about the world.

So sad...........

july 6

Another night of turning and staying awake.
It's just too hot...,too hot...
And not a move of wind.
When the sun came up it started raining a bit... and hell, was it damp and moist everywhere.
No rest for the wicked...
I already had done a laundry and they still were all sleeping.
Jim slept in late.........

Well, today was supposed to be a bit less hot....
But what's a difference of one degree when it's so moist that you don't know it's condensation on your body or sweat.

Jim just did what he wanted to do..... guess who had no chance for anything else but to take care of everything else?

The people at the other side of the path between the gardens are spilling so much water!
They fill a huge bath for one kid each and every day, and when the day is done they just pull the...thing... and all the water leaps out....into our garden.
Which means we can't get out, because there's a whole pool streaming over our gardenpath.
I didn't say much the other days..it was good for the plants.
But this evening the shops were open and I allowed the girls and a boy to go with Jim to get some groceries.
Their shoes got all wet and muddy, so I told them to come back home through the front door.

"All that water isn't bad", a woman said from the garden.
I couldn't see her.
Before I knew I said: "Well, it leaves the pool rather clean, but it washes out the dirt and sand of the border of your garden, so we have all the dirt and mud streaming into our garden.
That's a bath that needs a lid for the night, not emptying so other people can deal with the dirt. You're not going to clean my girls shoes are you? You're not disappointed that the new shoes are not new anymore.
And beside that, you are spilling water like the world has enough of it.

I didn't feel kind when I was trying to sweep the mudwater to a place that it wouldn't muck up everything.
She could have come out and helped, but she doesn't care.

When the temperature was dropping a bit, we got a call from a village nearby that they had very bad weather and we'd better get prepared.
So I got the laundry in, closed the windows, and watched the clouds drift over. LOL!

july 5

The weather is outrageous. So hot!!
Yesterday night I couldn't sleep, last night a slept for a short while and then woke up.
I had all the windows upstairs wide open, a wet washing cloth to freshen up and at last I tried to sleep without the usual T-shirt.
When the sun came up I went outside (With T-shirt on. LOL!), and it was as hot as inside, but surprisingly far more damp.
It was awfull!
You could feel the moist like clothes around you.
So I decided to go to bed again, instead of getting one of the musquito nets and trying to sleep under it on the gardenchair.

I hate laying awake.
I need the energy of sleep for the next day, and I don't like my mind wandering off to things that bother me and seem so big in the night.

Like that I miss some friends, want to go on holiday, hate the always present lack of money, the terrible psychiatrist of Stef (luckily I didn't dream about her. LOL!), that I've send so many waterballoons out and so many people don't bother to send one back. But they invest all their energy to collect, because they want to win.
When to make a dentist appointment,if I have the chance to go to the four days marches to be with the band, etc etc.

Then I finally fell asleep and the girls woke me up not even half an hour later...
They were playing babies crying....hmpppfffrrrrr....