july 13

The temperature was down a bit, so the boys felt far more energy.
These are days I don't like.
They don't seem to be able to learn what they are taught. Mainly because they can't see/understand the emotions of others.
I feel like being stuck within a bag of fighting toddlers.

When Jim was home I got the idea that maybe something in the air is influencing male hormones.
I simply asked when I could welcome some money, so I could purchade a little thing for myself.
We're not talking hundreds, we're talking a couple of euro's.
All I got was a very unkind reply that I had enough money in january.
You know, the hornpipe I got for my birthday.
I felt so terribly offended.. and used.
I do all the work here, and he is using the house as a hotel.

I said nothing... but I left the laundry for the washing machine..

On friday too....
He didn't see I did a lot of the other laundry though.

july 12

The girls went with the neighbouring woman to one of the largest zoos in the country.
None of them went there before, so it was all new to them.
When I said goodbye in the morning she told me she planned to take them to a restaurant... a rather posh one.
I said she'd better just let things happen...

She had to, as she was too tired after a complete day there.
They went there 5 minutes for closing time and if I had told them it would be open that evening she would have driven back. LOL!

So they left late... with soar feet and very tired.
Saw a sign for a pancake restaurant and crashed there to eat. LOL!

When they came home they were all browner than they left and very happy.
So now we're completely sure this is a tradition for a lifetime.

She doesn't have children and outings like these enable her to enjoy those places far more than going alone.
:: photo's ::

In the meantime I went for breastcancerscreening.
It the mobile lab was nearby. Ofcourse I had to wait, with 4 other women.
First it was all quiet, but then someone arrived who lives in our neighbourhood and although we've never spoken to each other we started to talk.
The weather was good to begin with, and soon we were all chatting and laughing.
Then it was my turn.
Undressed in a tiny room, waited in front of a huge mirror, probably there to prevent an attack of claustrofobia. LOL!
Well, I don't suffer from that.
Then it was my turn.
This woman was used to handling whatever breast came in front of her. I can understand she was bossy, but i think it's foolish to tell me to stay with my two feet closed together. I have been a balletdancer for a long time and I never stand with my feet closed, unless it's absolutely needed.
I stood OK for the thing, but she pulled me back and then pushed me in front of the machine and I stood in the same way as I stood before. LOL!
Then she measured the height, then made me stand back and then... oh my dear... she pulled my breast with force under it and put the plate on it and squeezed it as flat as almost 5 cm.
That was hurting, but as soon as the photo was made the pressure was released automatically. Pfffooo.
Then another one was made that took the armpit too, so that was OK.
After that, the other side.
She was talking because I started to talk about something, and I let her push and pull me to the place she wanted me.
She had told me in the meantime she knew best, and that always makes me wonder...

Then she pulled me back and pulled my breast under the thing again.
I had to bite on my tongue not to start to laugh, because i imagined my breast slipping from her hand and splashing right back like a huge pancake. LOL!
She was squeezing the plate on top of it, but it had my shoulder between it.
Because she was looking at the counter of the cm, she didn't see what she was doing and I said nothing before she started to make wondering sounds.
"Ehmm... my shoulder is between it too, unless you want to break it, I think you'd better stop..

She turned red and tried again...LOL!

The other women had to wait in the front of the buss, but she wanted me to wait in the cabin. I was OK with that. It's far more sensible to wait there, than to dress and undress again when photos didn't turn out to be OK.
But mine were and I went home.

Well, now I have to wait.

july 11

Jim went to work yesterday.
That gave such a feeling of freedom.
The last days he was fuzzing around, and his restlessness was felt by everyone.

We had two very quiet days.
Relatively quiet, I should say. There's always something that needs to be settled.
But the temperature is down a bit, so everyone has slept a bit better.

Tomorrow I'll have to go for breastcancerscreening.
The mobile location is near our house, so I'm lucky.

I don't like screenings.
Most of the time one is being treated as a number, but maybe this time they have learned from comments of people.
We'll see.

The last time I had a mammogram was many years ago, but I now have reached the age that society still needs me and still wants to invest in me.
And according to statistics I'm more at risk.

I don't like the screening, because I don't like my breasts to be squeezed to 2 cm. Well, that's not what can be reached at all at the moment. For that they have to wait some more years. LOL!
Last time I went I had pain for a week.
So I'll stop the woman sooner.
Ofcourse she'll start telling me the story she has ready. Well, I have been a health educator, I know the stuff.
I also know that they find only 2/3 of the new cases... with a screening every 2 years!
So that means they're not able to see a lot.
And it's up to me to take the risk...

I have always lived with the risk of cancer.
On my mothers side there's uteruscancer.
After I got my babies, things went wrong, and I had a hysterectomy before matters turned too bad.
I've always felt that was a good decision.

On my father's side there are all sorts of cancer, and none escapes to die from it, except my grandmother.
Well, I resemble her a lot.

But I've always be aware that I might be hit, and have had plenty of time to think about what I would do.
So if this screenings results in the discovery of a small lump, I'm Ok with surgery. But I won't go for chemo or radio.
It's a harsh decision, but it can make life only worse, and it's hard enough.
If matters would change for the better and would make life more worthwhile...

The girls will be going to the zoo tomorrow.
It's their second traditional annual outing with the neighbouring woman.
They're so looking forward to it.
She has planned to go with them to a restaurant afterwards.

I think I can tell more about that tomorrow.

july 9

I've slept all night. isn't it great?

Then I dreamt that I was upstairs.
It was not my house.
There were stairs that turned against the clock and suddenly a very large man came up.
I didn't know him.
His face was friendly, but I thought I was alone in the house.
Immediately I remembered the program of Oprah Winfrey of last week. About never giving an intruder the chance to get you into a small room.
When he saw me, he came towards me.
I wasn't afraid, but I was aware that even kind people can rape you.

I started talking to him like he was the painter I expected. And I started to point out some imaginary bad spots on the wood beside the door. My intention was to skip under his arms and go.

Then I woke up.

Strangely I questioned myself the whole day who that man was.
And if he should be regarded as an intruder or someone who was coming to tell me something important.

An hour later I heard about the plaincrash in Russia, where so many people, including children, were killed.
Are they interrelated?

The girls planned their trip with the neighbouring woman on wednesday.
They're going to the Zoo where I have been so often when I was a child.
It's a strange feeling they're going there with someone else.

Full moon...
There were large thick clouds in the sky, with strange play of moonlight.
At a moment the light seemed to create an angel with wings and then the moon appeared in the center.
Had a quick walk beside the lake, feeling the forcefull fresh wind.
What a delight!

In the center of the country a large part of the Veluwe is on fire.
I'm not sure if the reddish cloud in the sky had something to do with it. I don't think so, because the fires are too far away.

But it's possible there is a fire in the woods near where I lived when I was young.
We can't smell anything...

I keep wondering who the man of the dream was.