Welcome to my journal.
It's about my life, my feelings and my family with 6 children.
The twinsgirls of 10: Yinti and Djenné.
Nyo (14, autistic), Thami (15, dyslectic and ADHD), Lars (17), Stef (20 ADD and Asperger), and their father (PDD-Nos, autistic traits).
This blog is not written to offend, but it's a way to vent.
I'm allowed to. I'm managing a nuthouse. LOL!
september 272006
Dreamed about "Meg".
I've known a Megan a long time ago, at university.
She was a person with a great presence.
When I was looking around on internet, during a break with coffee, I found this:
:: here ::
Scroll a bit down to the coloured ones... I looovvvvve that pendant and earrings soooo much!!!
Well, there's no money yet. Even though I was looking for some celtic earthingies.
I guess I was influenced by the pressure of the show-off woman at the band and by the fact that my celtic earpins, which were lovely, broke the other day.
I really miss them.
So I was impressed the images on this pendant and earrings is "Meg".
I randomly choose some music to listen to: Megan..
and when I switched on the TV...yep: Megan again.
Then I looked at the envelope of the childrenstamps my kids are selling. The only person who gave her first name was: Meg.
There must be a meaning behind this all.....
Today the National Childrenstamps Action has started.
Children sell stamps at the doors and get filled in checques as payment. So no real money.
It's a way of raising money for foundations that deal with children's activities, clubs etc.
The girls were lucky. There are not many children at the schoollevel here in the neighbourhood, so they quickly sold out.
In my time it was a real struggle, and the boys also had a terrible time.
I'm glad they have it far more easy.
september 26 2006
Well, I don't know why some people feel the need to claim they're better than others and rub it into the faces of other people.
The woman, who is a fellow pupil at the bagpipe band, mailed me she had been rehearsing at home and all went sublime... so very well.
Well, I'm happy for her.
But she did just as bad last saturday. And seeing that she had the two saturdays after the vacation lessons I couldn't attend, I think she did far worse.
Don't worry. I won't tell her that. Just my thoughts.
I don't feel comfortable with the way she brings competition into everything.
Buying pipersocks, jewelry, a cardigan, whatever. It al feels far different from someone showing something she's very happy with.
I'm happy for other people who can afford more than I can.
I just don't have much money to spend on me, as almost everything goes to the children.
Ofcourse I have my dreams, and when one comes true, it comes true for me, not against someone else.
A friend celebrated her birthday. She has cats and dogs, so it's not for me to go there. I'm far too allergic.
So Thami brought her her present: a huge paprika plant.
Months ago we were joking about the past and she told me she wanted one, as she used to have one and she enjoyed it so much.
Walking into the shoppingcentre, turning the corner.... and there was one!
Prized wrong, but the law says that they have to sell it for that prize.
Haha!!
Well, I know the shopowner and he had a good laugh, so it's OK.
Finally the hot weather made place for a drizzle and a bit lower temperatures.
Some falling leaves...
I don't like the feeling that this dying season brings to me.
Oh, I like the colours. I love them.
But I'm always on the look-out for signs that there is enough life left to start a new spring.
Last saturday it was my fathers deathday. It's so many years ago he died. But I still miss him.
He always brought a kind of balance in my life with his calmness, his humor, and his full presence.
He could say something in one sentence and make things more clear than a whole story of others. But, like me, he was a storyteller, and we both kept our family history alive for our children.
Another internetfriend died. She was a great women who was able to arouse so much good feeling in people.
The last years we didn't have much contact, but as with good friends thinking about her was with the mellow feeling of good friends.
Now she's gone.
Like when Morning Star and Gail died, none of internet was informed. People in "real" life often are not aware of the depth and meaning of internetfriendship and they just forget to inform others.
Well, even when you're informed in time for the funeral, there isn't much one can do than create a symbolic goodbye for oneself or arrange an internet gathering, like lightning candles at the same time.
My dad is cremated and his ashes are somewhere in nature.
There's no place to lay flowers.
The feeling that is left resembles those I had after Morning Star and Gail died.
It feels like standing without arms to act.
september 25 2006
Another rather hot day.
OK, it was a little less than yesterday, but it was far less sunny.
The brambles are growing HUGE! I mean, the fruits. It's the second growth!!!
yesterday evening I went to bed and my room smelled like spring: the honeysuckle outside is flowering for the second time too, and I love it!!
But I slept very bad. Dozed off when it was already getting light.
Then dreamed I was on a course with Andrena and someone else.
Went to the loo and there was no toiletpaper, but a bushel. (Turned out at that time someone called from the loo that all the toiletpaper there was used.)
Then Nyo woke me up to tell me it was 8, and I bumped right out of the dream into real life.
Djenne was already dressed, but Yinti not.
Well, she always prepares well, so she washed and had a dive into her clothes and even had time to eat breakfast before leaving for school.
Stef had a morning off, and he gave me the silence treatment.
He knows his behaviour was far from decent and respectful, so an appology is in place.
By the time it was time to go to school he came walking after me, telling me he was going to school.
I told him no conversation was going to happen unless he dealt with the consequences of his behaviour.
He left for school.
Returned and stayed at home.
Maybe he had a call his lessons were cancelled.
At the end of the afternoon he went without saying anything.
Turned out he wanted to go with his father to a certain shop in the town his father works.
If he only had told me so, I would have told him there was almost no traintraffic today, and his father might not even be available.
Well, fate is interesting at times.
He managed to get near the town he wanted to be, then got stuck.
Tried to phone his dad, but his phonebattery was empty.
Finally he decided to travel back home, and arrived more than an hour later than his dad.
september 24 2006
Downloaded wordpress for a dutch blog, but I'm just too tired to figure out how it works with directories and such. I'm soo tired.
Another day Stef had problems with his mood.
It's not easy to live with a 20 year old with ADD and Asperger, with a mental age of about 15.
He told me I should start acting as a mother: translated: I should let him do what he wants. Meaning: going to bed at 2 or 3 or 4 at night.
NOT IN MY HOUSE!!!!
As long as he disturbs the other children I can't accept that.
I want people to be aware of the needs of others, asperger or not.
If you can't feel them, or observe them, you can learn the rules.
It's not a normal habit to stay angry the whole day, but today I did.
The last months each time he acted out, I felt a bit more distant.
Maybe it's because he suddeenly stopped appologising for his behaviour, maybe because he's more arrogant each time.
This is not the sweet kid I raised. This is someone looking grown up, acting like a puber, and behaving like a spoiled husband.
He wants to move out, I want him to move out.
Problem is he can't live on himself, and there are only 8 places for people like him.
If he gets only a bit worse, he'll end up in a psychiatric facility.
How on earth can a boy that is so very intelligent not use it at all?
I'm in the middle of paperwork to get him on the waitinglist for the special care living houses.
But I'm now ready to talk with the commission of it won't be better to admit him at a special care family house, so evaluate him there to see if he takes on the responsibilities he has learned, or if he's really slipping away from normal life.
The way he behaves interferes with the wellbeing of the rest of the family.
Not only the stress he generates, but also the late nights and his egoistic sick way of living.
I've not often heard of aspergers getting worse in time.
But he sure is getting worse, and sometimes I wonder of this is juvenile/adolescent dementia.
I don't even know if it excists.
But his whole behaviour looks like it.
If he was 70 I wouldn't have one single bit of doubt that I made the right diagnosis.
On Casualty comfort helpt delivering a baby under very bad conditions. The baby survived, but the mother died.
The family agreed with adoption, to give the baby a better life. But then an aunt wanted the baby, and that was it.
Ofcourse I was in tears.
Many years ago we were in the proces of adopting. We had all the paperwork and permission to adopt, and not too long after that a befriended midwife contacted us. If we wanted to adopt a baby from Swaziland.
Lucy was her name.
Het mother died during birth and the father, who was a tribal chief, didn't want her.
He thought it was a message of the gods that the baby was evil, because the mother died.
He agreed with adoption and was glad we wanted to raise her.
Well, that he was glad she stayed alive was not in accordance with the beliefs of the tribe, so it puzzled me.
While I was preparing her room, I told the midwife to go to him and tell him he was living in this time, and if he was glad with her staying alive, he had the feelings of a father of this time.
Maybe it was time to take his tribe into the new world. Wearing trousers, watches and t-shirts, also should mean wearing respect for life and parenthood.
After two days I got the message he had welcomed her as his own child with all the rituals of the tribe.
It's 11 years ago...... and she still is part of my life and heart, although I've never ever heard about her again.
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